The Stinkbomb Plot
by SunflowerWielder
Summary: For week one of the story convention. Fang wants revenge for her pineapple and drags Hope and Lightning along to a lift that smells of pee. Cracky and OOC. It's rubbish. I know it is. You don't need to remind me.


**For Dawn's story Convertion thing. I think it sucks. It sucks so much! More than a V8 powered vaccum cleaner!**

**The story had to include:**

**-stinkbombs**

**-Santa suit**

**-pineapple**

**-mistletoe**

**-skis**

_Dialogue:_

**-"_Keep walking. Just keep walking."_**

**_-"No, that was my foot."_**

**_-"Nope, no one here, just us dust mice."_**

**_-"Someday I'll crack that egg open and see the deep abyss inside."_**

**-"_Think of it this way, when I finally get what I want, you won't have to work for me anymore."_**

* * *

Of all the crazy things Lightning had done in her life, this ranked somewhere near the top. Not the very top though, that honour went to jumping off a climbing frame dressed as a hamster.

"So," Fang explained, shoving the items into a bag. "It's perfectly simple and entertaining. Plus, it will be payback for the time she ate my pineapple – The bitch."

Hope looked at Lightning with a worried look on his face.

"Yes, I'm freaked out too Hope."

"Shut up!" Fang yelled. "Look, one day, when you have a mortal enemy, you will understand."

"If I had a mortal enemy – By the way, eating your pineapple does _**not**_ make her your mortal enemy -" Lightning paused to take a breath. "I would think of a better plan than this."

"I'm with Lightning." Hope added, before being silenced by Fang's glare.

"It is a perfectly logical plan-"

"The word logic doesn't apply to this."

"Lightning, shut up and give me the stinkbombs."

* * *

"I can't do this!" Hope whined, not unreasonably.

"It's not hard." Fang said, earning a quirked eyebrow from Lightning. "What?"

"How many times have you fallen over?"

"... Okay, so skiing isn't easy, but still!"

"We could have borrowed that truck! Snow was offering the damn truck to us, but no! We have to get there and back on skis!" The soldier sighed. "Once we get back, I am taking you to a psychologist, and getting your mental state checked!"

"She stole my pineapple!"

"I don't give a fuck!"

"Oh someday you will Lightning." Fang nodded wisely. "Someday, you will be contemplating life – Probably while trying to avoid doing something and say to yourself: 'Someday I'll crack that egg open and see the deep abyss inside.'"

A very long pause followed this statement.

"I still can't ski." The teenager eventually said.

"Oh just throw yourself in!" The older woman sighed.

"What-?"

Hope was then shoved down the hill by Fang.

"That was mean." Lightning muttered. "And it's me that's saying that."

"He needs to learn to ski. It's like learning a language, except you're skiing."

"But there's no snow."

"That is an issue."

**_"AAHH!!!!"_** The boy screamed as he rolled down the hill. The soldier sighed; watched him roll down the hill faster and faster before noticing an obstacle.

"Hope, rock-!"

_Smack!_

"OW!"

"Never mind, you found it."

* * *

Fang had said it would be easy. The hotel was open to everyone and their marks were hidden. Therefore, all they had to do was walk in and book a room.

However, a teenage boy covered in mud did tend to draw quite a lot of attention. Hope felt his cheeks turn a vivid red.

_Keep walking. Just keep walking._

Fang walked over to the receptionist who was staring at the group with a charming smile.

"We need a room."

The receptionist continued staring for a moment before snapping back into reality.

"We only have a one bed left-"

"We'll take it!"

"... It's a single bed-"

"We'll take it!" The woman had a slightly maniacal grin on her face, which resulted in the receptionist handing over the keys without charging her for the room. "Thank you!" Fang ran back over to Lightning and Hope, who were standing next to a potted plant. "I got a room!"

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay." The saner duo chimed in unison. She frowned.

"Sarcasm is the refuge of losers-"

"This is us, not giving a crap." Lightning snatched the keys from Fang's hand. "Why did you drag us along again?"

"I needed a team. Snow's busy, Sazh's too old and Vanille's too loud." She explained, wandering towards the lift. "So that left you and Hope."

"Why me?" Hope grumbled, as Fang slammed the call button. "Why is it always me?"

"Because Hope, the universe hates you." Lightning rubbed her headache in a vain attempt to stave off the oncoming headache. "Fang, this won't work."

"'course it will. Have some faith."

"Fang, last time I had faith in _you_, I ended up dangling upside down off Bahamut fourteen thousand feet above ground. Dressed as a sheep."

"It was a cow."

"I don't care; they're both farm animals –"

"It was the bottom half of a cow." The older woman added as the elevator arrived. "Sazh was wearing the top half."

"The point still stands." Lightning carried on as the group walked into the empty lift. "Experience has taught me not to trust you unless I'm drunk and in need of a way to get home; even then it's generally not the best idea."

"Was that the time you guys thought you were in the wrong country?" Hope asked as Fang pressed the button for the fifth floor with a tad too much force. The lift shuddered violently in protest.

"Shut up Hope. And who told you about that?"

"Vanille."

"That hippy is going down."

At which points all the lights in the lift went out.

"... What just happened?" Fang eventually asked.

"The lights went out." Hope replied with an unseen smirk.

"No shit Einstein. I mean why did they go out?"

"There must be a power cut." Lightning decided. "The lift's stopped moving."

"Damn. This has thrown a spanner in the works - I think I just stood on a rat."

"No, that was my foot."

"Oh. Sorry Hope."

"Can you get off my foot?"

"No, I might stand on Lightning's foot and she's more likely to punch me."

The emergency lighting came on, flooding the room into a dark red light. There was an awkward silence.

"Fang, you look particularly evil in this light."

"Shut it Farron, you look like a slut in any light."

"This is coming from the woman who flirted with _Snow_ for God's sake." Fang's response to this was thankfully drowned out by an announcement.

_Due to a man plugging in the refrigerator and the fan at the same time despite warnings not to, a power cut has occurred in the hotel._

"No _way_!"

"I thought sarcasm was the refuge of losers."

"Shut up boy."

_Power is expected to return in approximately two to five hours._

There was a long, stunned silence in the lift.

"... Would now be a bad time to say I need the toilet?"

"Yes, it would be a bad time Hope." Another pause ensued.

"If you pee your pants boy, I will shove my spear up your anus."

"Fang!"

"Do you want to be stuck in a lift with a boy that smells of pee?"

"The entire lift smells of pee, I doubt it will make much difference."

* * *

Three hours had passed. Hope had managed to hold in the pee. Lightning and Fang had continued sniping at each other. He had managed to defuse the situation when it got very heated by threatening to break his waters. Because of their hysterics, he had a feeling this was the wrong expression. Still, it had worked.

"I'm bored."

"Good for you."

The lift juddered violently.

"The lift's bored."

"Good for it."

"Maybe they're fixing it." Hope said... hopefully. (Yes, I know! I know! I'm sorry, I couldn't think of another word and I don't have a thesaurus on me.)

"Maybe. Or maybe we'll be stuck in here for eternity, trapped in a metal cage, without any chance of escape. The others shall never discover our fate. In thousands of years, the hotel shall be excavated and our rotting skeletons will be found here, dusty images of what once existed. We shall be called the Elevator Trio by archaeologists-"

"Fang, shut up." Lightning glared up at the ceiling. "Why didn't we use the stairs?"

"She might have seen us on the stairs!"

"She might see us in the lift."

"I doubt it! We can hardly see ourselves." Hope sighed. "I really need to pee."

"I really need to throttle Fang. We must all resist our little urges."

"Why shouldn't you throttle Fang?"

"Hey!"

"... Good point-"

"Don't you fucking dare Farron! You know I have blackmail on you!"

"I was drunk!"

"You were wearing a Santa suit!"

"... Can I see that?"

"HOPE ESTHEIM-"

The lights went back on and nearly blinded the trio. The lift then juddered upwardly quickly and jerkily. It then came to a sudden halt, sending the trio sprawling around the lift. There was a pause.

"Well that was fun."

"I'm praying that was sarcasm." Hope rubbed his head where it had made contact with the elevator wall. "I hate you Fang."

"Well, think of it this way, when I get what I want, you won't have to work for me anymore."

"Does that mean I can kill you then?" Lightning asked hopefully as she wrenched the lift doors open and wandered out into the corridor.

"No, it doesn't." Fang was nearly hit by a silver and orange blur. "Where's he...?"

"Toilet."

"He's a boy. Urinal."

"Whatever." Lightning looked up. "Shit. Fang, don't move."

"Why?"

"There is mistletoe directly above your head."

"... Oh God. Are you underneath it?"

"I'm near it."

"Back away, back away."

"I'm trying... okay, I'm clear. Now _run_."

Fang did so, panicking as she sprinted towards the room.

* * *

After Hope had been to the toilet, the group gathered in the small hotel room.

"So, we're aware of the plan?"

"Yes, we're aware."

"Good. Let's go."

"Wait!" Hope frowned. "What happens if we get caught?"

"We deny that we're there."

"... How?"

"Simple. Just say, 'Nope, no one here, just us dust mice'."

There was a long period of dead air.

"Just us...?"

"Dust mice!"

"... Lightning, are we going to die?"

"Yes."

"No!"

"Fang, the woman has a fucking whip!" The soldier yelled, having finally reached breaking point.

"She isn't that evil."

"It's fucking Jihl! We're going to throw stinkbombs in Jihl's hotel room!" Hope waved a stinkbomb around to underline his point.

"Yes, we are." Fang smiled calmly, giving the impression of a sociopath. The slightly saner duo exchanged glances. "Let's go."

The group snuck down the corridor, glancing left and right as they sneaked along. Hope started humming the mission impossible theme. Both women smacked him very hard on the head.

"Ow!"

"Shush!" They reached the hotel room, a feeling of certain doom lodging in their stomachs.

"We're gonna die...." Hope whispered as Lightning pulled out a handful of stinkbombs.

"At least we'll go out with a... smell..." She grimaced. "God these stink."

"That's why they're stinkbombs." Fang nodded and peeped through the crack in the door. "Three... two... one... **_GO!!!!!!"_**

"Why the hell did you scream!?" Lightning yelled as she threw her stinkbomb into the room, grabbed Hope's wrist and ran towards the lift.

**_"BECAUSE SCREAMING'S FUN!!!!!!!!!"_**

Jihl then exited her room with a whip and an evil look in her eyes. There was another pause.

"... There's no-one here, just us dust mice?" Hope attempted. Jihl's eyes narrowed.

"... Exit, stage right." Lightning grabbed the boy and Fang, threw them both out the window and landed messily in a group of rose bushes.

"Ow."

"That hurts. Lightning why the hell did you do that?"

"Fang, why the hell did you decide to get revenge on Jihl by throwing stinkbombs into her room?"

"Because I know that she was on a romantic evening with Yaag."

An incredibly long silence followed that. Everyone considered gouging their eyes out.

"... Can we make a deal?" Hope eventually asked.

"Yes."

"We shall never speak of this again, not even under extreme torture, use for blackmail, or other such circumstances."

"Sure, can we run?"

"Why?"

"Because Jihl's climbing out of the window."

_**"... RUN!!!!!!!"**_

_**"AGAIN WITH THE SCREAMING!!!!"**_

**

* * *

****It sucks so much. And yes, Fang was incredibly OCC here. Eh, well.**

**I lost! :D**

**Ciao amigos!**


End file.
